Reader Participation: Pen Pals

Each of these talented ballplayers wrote "How-To..." books, hence their insistence on being immortalized on cardboard with a pen in their hand.

What was the title of each of their books?


Barry Jones
Pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates
1987 Topps #494

Topps Fact: He attended Indiana University, Bloomington, Ind.
GMT Fact: So, to answer your question, no, he is not as stupid as he looks.

John Butcher
Pitcher, Minnesota Twins
1985 Topps #741

Topps Fact: Attended Yavapai College, Prescott, Arizona.
GMT Fact: Despite the tough sounding name, Butcher is actually a pacifist and refused to participate in any strap matches at Yavapai.

Tony Phillips
Shortstop-Second Baseman, Oakland Athletics
1986 Topps #29.

Topps Fact: First major league Home Run: 4-16-83.
GMT Fact: Lead all AL rookies in Grab-Assing in 1982.

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Help us out...

• What is Jim smoking?
• What does T.R. stand for?
• What is Mike yelling?

List answers in comments.


Jim Kern
Pitcher, Texas Rangers
1982 Topps #463

Topps Fact: Don Money tied record with 12 assists at 2nd base, 6-24-77.
GMT Fact: Jim Kern was so baked during the 1982 season that when he saw Don Money's name on the back of his card, he rolled it into a joint and smoked it while playing a "Two Tickets to Paradise" 45 in his skivvies.

T.R. Bryden
Pitcher, California Angels
1987 Topps #387

Topps Fact: Born: 1-17-59, Moses Lake, Wash.
GMT Fact: T.R.'s mother was a mermaid, his father a trout.

Mike Madden
Pitcher, Houston Astros
1985 Topps #479

Topps Fact: (None given)
GMT Fact: Mike is the victim of his own "Madden Curse" - he only has one testicle.

Arrrrrghhh!

When you became a Pirate in the 80's, you became a pirate in the 80's. It was an effort by management to become more kid-friendly. Having a swashbuckling appearance was mandatory.

Here is Captain Rod Scurry and first mate Spanky.

Rod Scurry
Pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates
1985 Topps #641

Topps Fact: Rod was selected as AAA Player of the Year as a senior at Proctor High School in Reno, Nevada.
GMT Fact: Was punched in the face when notoriously homophobic Cecilio Guante misheard him ask him to "swab his deck" at a Bradenton, Fla bar in 1985.

Sadly, Scurry took being a pirate too far...

Bonus fact via Wikipedia: Rodney Grant Scurry was a Major League Baseball relief pitcher who played for eight seasons. He was best known for his part in the 1985 Pittsburgh drug trials that addressed cocaine involvement among many players including several members of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Scurry...died of a cocaine-induced heart attack in Reno, Nevada in 1992.


Mike "Spanky" Lavalliere
Catcher, Pittsburgh Pirates
1990 Bowman #172

Bowman Fact: Acq: Trade with Cardinals, 4-1-87
GMT Fact: Was released by Pittsburgh in 1993 after accusations he regularly forced club house attendant to "dig deep in his pockets for buried treasure."

Bonus fact via Wikipedia: "Spanky's lack of speed was a frequent source of parody on ESPN's Baseball Tonight. In particular, a stopwatch was used to clock Spanky going around the bases. Furthermore, former major leaguer Andy Fox's home run trot was faster than Spanky going from first to home."

MLB Goes Hollywood

Back before multimillion dollar multi-year contracts, ball players were just like you and me. At times they needed to find second jobs to make ends meet. Here are a few players in their most popular roles.

Steve Jeltz in "What's Happening!!"


Dan Driessen in "Benson"


Charlie O'Brien in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"

Jamie Quirk in "History of the World Part I"


Unfortunatley, some players didn't have that "Hollywood" look.

"Chuck McElroy" is a pseudonym of notorious Harlem heroin kingpin LeRoy "Nicky" Barnes.

McElroy/Barnes, however, was portrayed in 2007's "American Gangster" by Cuba Gooding, Jr. He also published a fantastic autobiography, "Mr. Untouchable," which was also made into a DVD documentary. Take that, Hollywood.

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Steve Jeltz
Shortstop, Philadelphia Phillies
1988 Topps #126

Topps Fact: Steve signed as a 9th round Draft selection with the Phila. Phillies, June 7, 1980 by scout Don Williams.
GMT Fact: Soon after Steve signed as a 9th round Draft selection with the Phila. Phillies, June 7, 1980, scout Don Williams was taken behind a shed and beaten within an inch of his life.

Dan Driessen
First Baseman, Montreal Expos
1985 Topps #285

Topps Fact: Dan is married to the former Bonnie Gray.
GMT Fact: Dan is said to do a lovely soft-shoe.

Charlie O'Brien
Cather, Milwaukee Brewers
1989 Topps #214

Topps Fact: GW-RBI (Career): 0
GMT Fact: Spends off-seasons in day salons with Gary Carter.

Jamie Quirk
Cather-First Baseman, Kansas City Royals
1987 Topps #354

Topps Fact: (None Listed)
GMT Fact: Hates cats. Blogs about it.

Chuck McElroy
Pitcher, Chicago Cubs
1992 O-Pee-Chee Premier #85

O-Pee-Chee Fact: Acquired: Trade, 4/7/91
GMT Fact: Hobbies include pocket pool.

About Our Banner

The cards featured in our banner were (amazingly in our eyes) all pulled from the same foot-long box of trading cards. In addition to learning that the 1987 Donruss set featured the ugliest set of portraits ever shot, the box was also the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back in starting this site.

About the lucky banner models...

LaMarr Hoyt
Pitcher, San Diego Padres
1987 Topps #275

Topps Fact: LaMarr's father Dewey, once pitched in the minors.
GMT Fact: Hoytt looks like a mustachioed Buddy Hackett. Is a white guy named "LaMarr."


Danny Frisella
Pitcher, Atlanta Braves
1974 Topps #71

Topps Fact: Learned to throw fork ball from Deigo Segui in Venezuelan Loop.
GMT Fact: Once made me a large pie at Papa's Pizza in Trenton; could be a Mario Bro.



Roy Smalley
Infielder, Minnesota Twins
1987 Donruss #443

Donruss Fact: Set Yankee club record for most HR by a SS (20) in '82.
GMT Fact: Looks functionally retarded. Resembles Wal-Mart greater.

John Candaleria
Pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates
1983 Topps #755

Topps Fact: July 2, 1982: Scored 2 runs with RBI in win vs. Expos.
GMT Fact: Is a Mexican ninja. Sang back-up for the Commodores.


Jerry Remy
Second Base, Boston Red Sox
1985 Topps #761

Topps Fact: Jerry was All-League pick at Somerset (Mass.) High School twice at shortstop as prep player.
GMT Fact: Remy blames game 6 on Calvin Shiraldi.


Ron Washington
Infielder, Cleveland Indians
1989 Donruss #468

Donruss Fact: Got a new lease on life as an Indian in '88, taking over as their regular SS two months into the season.
GMT Fact: Got a new lease on life pushing a shopping cart collecting cans.